Too Many Fish in the Sea?
Dating Apps and The Paralysis of Choice
This is the first essay in a series on the freedom found in constraints – and the tension when they are removed. There is innate value in boundaries and limits. From finding a partner to morning routines, removing perceived options can free you to move from indecision into action. Søren Kierkegaard said it well,
“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”
Imagine it’s 1962. You live in a rural town, and decide you want to settle down. Your social circle is small. Everyone who might meet your criteria as a potential partner is a few degrees of separation away from you. Your Aunt Betty’s Best Friend’s Son-in-Law James is rumored to be pretty cute. There’s this sparkly-eyed boy you’ve seen at the deli on Thursdays. Your friend Alice thinks Brett from 7th grade English has finalized his divorce.
You start going on dates. After a few head-nodding dinners with James, you break the news to Aunt Betty’s Best Friend. You lose the gumption to talk to Deli Boy and the next week see him buying flowers for someone who clearly isn’t you. It turns out that Brett’s ex-wife was actually your Mom’s Friend’s Cousin, which is too close for comfort. As you flip through the rolodex of potential suitors in your limited sphere, the idea of a rekindled romance with your high school sweetheart (who still lives in down the street) starts to give you butterflies.
What if we moved from this small town to a bustling city? There are three delis on your block alone, each of them frequented by a dozen suited regulars rolling through for a Bacon-Egg-and-Cheese around 8 o’clock each morning. There’s that dark-eyed man always reading a weighty novel on the 4 Express Train on your commute to work. You have no idea whose son he might be, if your Aunt’s Sister’s Daughter has dated him, or even which Subway stop he gets on at. What if you looked across the platform and caught his eye?
As you pass thousands of people just on your ride from Union Square to 82nd Street, any one of them could be a potential partner. To fully consider the breadth of options available to you and make an informed choice is near impossible.
Add dating apps.
In under 2 minutes you can download Bumble, Tinder, Hinge or any other online dating service. Upload a few photos, write a bio (or leave it blank) and start window shopping. Not only is a city full of potential romantic partners at your fingertips, but a seemingly endless supply of “options”. Change your location to a new city or country and world of potential connections is at your fingertips.
Shouldn't apps make it easier to find your partner? That perfect person you’ve been looking for? You set your filters– finance, trust fund, 6’5, blue eyes1 and start swiping.
You pause on a photo, and send a cautious “hey!” He responds right away. You start to laugh as he gives a hot take on how padel is the new pickleball.
You’re cute :) Let’s hang out sometime.
Drinks on Tuesday roll around. He’s 14 minutes late. After an hour he’s still not asked a single question about your Labradoodle (featured prominently in photo three). The conversation starts to lag a little. Was the electricity of the flirty texting unable to withstand a face-to-face interaction?
You say goodnight and walk back to your car, opening Bumble as you melt into the driver’s seat. A growing list of mildly familiar names and faces stare back at you.
Oh, Brian. He was kinda cute but so many Machu Picchu pictures …
You tap the chat. Last message, five days ago.
The decision paralysis of having an endless stream of potential partners creates false expectations. Research from the University of Wisconsin-Madison2 found people who have more romantic choices (via online dating) are less likely to commit to a single partner, often waiting for someone "better" to come along.
Better than what?
Making decisions off a collection of FaceTuned photos, a three-word bios, and jokes about pineapple on pizza, it is near impossible to evaluate your options and make a decision on who to go on a first date with— let alone commit to an exclusive relationship. If you can even make it out of the chat, when do you stop the dating cycle and commit?
The numbers don’t lie. The share price of Match group— owner of the major players in the dating app game— is rapidly declining.3 Perhaps Match has a secret growth plan for 2026, but customer churn isn’t looked on favorably as a metric of success.
Over 39 percent of heterosexual couples met their partner online4. Dating apps may be struggling to stay relevant, but sparking a romance over the internet isn’t going anywhere. Twitter has been described as the new “marriage app”5 and run clubs are even having their own moment for romance6. Connectivity through the internet has exploded paths for potential connections and made it difficult to make one of the biggest decisions of your life— who to spend forever with. Or at least a few years, if you can beat the divorce statistics.
Is the takeaway here you need to move to a small town, delete the apps and settle down with Larry at the Auto Shop? If Lana del Rey did it, maybe the idea isn’t so far-fetched. Perhaps the secret to meaningful connection lies not in the number of options, but in the courage to commit to one.
Have you read Lori Gottlieb's "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough"? Its a mind bender
Gosh, Liv! You made me dizzy with this one!…like a hamster on a wheel. Well done in giving a bird’s eye picture of what ‘dating’ can look like in these new times…observed from one who was doing the dating thing…back in the ‘olden days’😉